May 25 2012
Have you ever been watching a movie, and for some reason, a thought or life lesson just hits you? I saw the movie knocked up tonight and that happened to me several times. Basically its about a guy named Ben and a girl named Allison (who is played by Katherine Heigl, whom I adore) and they have a one night stand and she gets pregnant. The movie is basically about them trying to make the best of their situation and get to know eachother and they fall in love. Its super funny and if you havent seen it I recommend it. (Katherine dont watch it, its a comedy). Any ways while watching this it made me realize a couple things. One I am a crazy bitch, like literally half the things said in that movie Ive said. That brings me to the main point of this rant thought process idea thing. Back at the beginning of fall semesters I broke up with my amazing boyfriend. He was and probably still is one of the most inspirational people I know. Ending things with him was one of the hardest things Ive ever done. I cried so much, and as someone who isnt a crier, I think that says a lot. I still have this sticky note he left on my door when he came to stay with my family over Christmas saying he would miss me when he went home. He was the first boy I ever got the courage up to introduce to my family and he meant so much to me. But in the end loving him just wasnt enough. I couldnt give him what he wanted, what he deserved. He would always say that it was ok that I was enough, until one night we got into a huge fight and he finally told me all the things I was neglecting. He apologized a day later, but it was enough for me to realize that I was being selfish and he was letting me be. He cared more for me than he did about his own well being. So I did what I thought was best and I ended things. What does this have to do with Knocked Up? Well there is this one scene where they break up, and she pretty much says, sometimes love isnt enough and wanting things to work out doesnt mean they will. But things did work out for them, and it was enough. I guess it just really got me thinking, I’m not sure about what exactly but just a lot. It makes me wonder if I did the right thing, if I didnt, what do I do now. It just makes me wonder a lot of things…
9th April 2012
So I know that for the last couple of nights I have been a total downer. I feel like a lot of shit has happened in a short time that I have been trying to deal with, but I think Ive just decided, Im done trying to deal. Im kind of at the point where Im ready to say if I dont matter to someone or something, then they probably shouldnt matter so much to me. I guess Im just at a place where I need to say its no big deal to me, because you’re not going to be a big deal anymore, not if its going to make me feel shitty about myself…yeah thats the new goal!
6th March 2012
Ok clearly I have failed miserably at writing on here but life has been so busy. Hopefully, being on spring break will make things a little better. Next week I have elections for RHA Vice Presidency and I still have to write my letter of intent and my speech. Im also trying to get some of my design stuff around so that I can start another tumblr for my fashion stuff. On top of that Im trying to start some projects early for class so I can get ahead.
Ok now that thats out of the way I can get to what I really want to talk about. I guess its just been bugging me all day. When my first boyfriend and I broke up, the last thing he said to me was “I guess you loved me more than I loved you.” It broke my heart. I never understood how two people who could be so happy and in love could be so suddenly not. I carried that with me for a full year before I could start dating again because I was so scared. I have tried so hard to get past that thought, and I thought I had been doing really well…until today. For some reason I just have been wondering all day, is this just going to be a notion Im going to have to get used to in life. I cant really put it into words much more than that, I dont know… I guess its just one of those things time will tell. Hopefully Im wrong, but we shall see
8th of February 2012
I really have been wanting to put my thoughts on here somewhere. I did that for a while when I first got my tumblr, but I guess I just got so busy and everything, that it just didnt seem that important to me. Ive just been laying in my bed and I kind of had a revelation. For so long it seems Ive been wishing things in my life were good. The better part of the last year and half for me have just really sucked. It seems that everything that could go wrong did. Over the last six months I dont know what but life has slowly just turned itself around. Im no longer hoping and thinking, I just have make it through today. Now Im hoping for things to be even better, which is what I think life should be. Dont get me wrong Im happy where Im at in life. Does that mean that I dont have sad moments or bad things happen, no it just means that Im at a point in my life where I can look past individual things and see a bigger picture. When Life just really seems to suck taking it one day at a time is one of the only things you can do, but now I just feel truly blessed. Im really starting to find my way as a designer. I’m starting to really find a balance with being an activist and a student leader and being gay and all that that involves (but thats a blog for another time). I don’t really know if I am making this intelligible or not, maybe words just cant express how I feel, I guess Im just saying I feel hopeful.